I won’t beat about the bush (for a change). Listed below are five reasons why you defintely, absolutely shouldn’t, no freakin’ way, man, hire me as a photographer.
Do not hire me if the following applies:
If you are extremely serious with a low functioning sense of humour, do not hire my services. I have no shame at a portrait session and will stop at nothing to get the results I want. I will make shockingly bad jokes, do over the top monkey impressions, and if the worst comes to the worst, I might even tickle you.
If your preferred method of communication is to call people, it’s going to be a case of ‘Houston, we have a problem.’ The sufferer of a lifelong telephone allergy, the sound of a phone ringing is, to me, the equivalent of an air raid siren - I find myself looking for the nearest bomb shelter. I am, however, an extremely fast typist and can easily shoot off emails at lightening speed. The keyboard is mightier than the phone.
If you are a highly accomplished bargain hunter who likes to get everything and the kitchen sink for a pittance, and can easily turn a blind eye to slave labour, you may, in the words of Dionne Warwick, “Walk on by.” I had been so sure my bank manager would waive my mortgage repayments when she heard I was a photographer, but no. What kind of a world do we live in, I ask you?
If you are the kind of person who hates dealing with small businesses who treats you like family (the good kind), gives you handwritten cards and homebaked goods, you definitely should not hire me. As a pen and paper lover, I will write you a card, and when time allows I will gift you reduced-sugar, homemade chocolate chip cookies. Ain’t nobody got time for a business that provides that kind of personal service nowadays, right?
If you do not want your children to have beautiful, timeless family portraits to look back on when they’re all grown up, then do not hire me. Who needs those kind of loving memories anyway. I’m sure years of therapy will help soften the blow ;)